Dr. Mike,

Our 18-year-old daughter went off to JMU for Freshman year this Fall, and we’re so proud of her.  She’s doing well academically and socially, but she’s upset with us for being “controlling” and for “micromanaging” her.  My husband and I told her that we would be keeping Life360 on her phone to monitor her whereabouts on campus for her first year away.  We told her that if she demonstrated maturity in making good choices, and if she gets good grades, we will then remove ourselves from Life360 for her Sophomore year and after.  She’s always been a great kid, but we just don’t trust that she’s mature enough to manage things there without our help.  We’ve had a few big fights over this topic already when we’ve shared with her that we saw on the phone that she’s not where she said she would be.  I’m sorry, but if you tell us you’re staying in the dorm to study with friends, but then we see that you went to a party at a fraternity, that doesn’t work for us as parents.  We don’t think that we’re being reasonable, and your advice on what to do is appreciated.

Help in Loudoun

Parents on Phone
Student on phone

Dear Help in Loudoun,

In reading your message, I’m reminded of the old saying, “One’s perception is one’s reality.”  For you as parents, Life360 reassures you that your daughter is safe and is being responsible and that likely serves to give you a greater sense of security.  In contrast, as you wrote, your daughter feels controlled in that she finds your monitoring to be overbearing.

While there are times when parental monitoring for college students may be appropriate – perhaps when a teen has repeatedly lied to their parents and there’s diminished trust, or when a teen has very poor grades and needs increased structure and accountability, or when a teen has made poor choices (e.g., by using drugs or drinking) – your situation doesn’t appear to require your involvement in this way.  You wrote that your daughter is doing well both academically and socially and that she has always been a great kid so what are you so concerned about?

At 18 years of age, your daughter has aged out of childhood and has entered young adulthood.  Thus, she is at a phase of her development where you as parents need to support her independence and autonomy, within reason, and her right to privacy is a big part of that.  While it may be difficult for you to do, I ask that you keep in mind that making poor choices is also a part of learning and growing up.  So, if she goes to a party, for example, you need to trust that she’s done her work and that it’s fine for her to be there.  You also need to trust that she will manage herself fine at the party.  It’s also possible though that she may go to a party when she should be studying, and she may then do badly on a test the next day.  Or she may drink alcohol at a party and become sick.  In my opinion, these sorts of life lessons are for her to experience and to learn from and are not for you to prevent or to protect her from.

If you continue to use Life360 in this way, you will probably end up driving the current wedge of disagreement and upset between her and you wider, and you also run the risk of stunting her growth.  Moreover, the risk of her lying to you or deceiving you will likely also increase over time as she may cleverly seek to find ways around Life360 to get away from your monitoring.

For many parents, anxiety can increase when children leave home for college.  And with stories in the media about the bad things that can happen on college campuses (e.g., date rape, harmful or unsafe hazing rituals, etc.), parental anxiety is understandable.

I think you and your husband should consider entering therapy together to discuss your concerns and to understand your motivations for staying connected to your daughter in this way while she is at college.  Perhaps your reliance on Life360 for your daughter has more to do with events that occurred to you as a child, teen or adult.  Perhaps you are simply having a tough time letting go over your daughter.  Perhaps your need to monitor her from home has more to do with your anxiety that you need to be address and/or treat.  By talking through your thoughts and feelings on the topic in therapy with a parenting expert, and by trusting and communicating more with your daughter, my hope is that you can get to a place where you no longer need to rely on Life360 in this way.

The greatest gift you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.

~ Nishan Panwar

Therapy
College Student
Parents with College Student
College Student

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice.
He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn
.