Parenting Teens: A Local Psychologist’s Guide to Staying Sane

Imagine the scene: You’re idling in the school pickup line, heart full, ready to hear about the day. Your teenager climbs in, tosses their backpack like it’s made of lead, and the “interrogation” begins.

You: “Hey! How was your day?”
Them: “Fine.”
You: “How was the math test?”
Them: “I don’t know.”
You: “Anything interesting happen at lunch?”
Them: (Sighs, checking a phone) “No.”
You: “Do you have a lot of homework tonight?”
Them: “Maybe.”

The silence that follows is so heavy you could hang your coat on it. You wonder if you’ve been replaced by a stranger or what you did wrong. But then, a miracle occurs.

Your daughter looks up, eyes bright, and lovingly says the magic words: “Can we go to Starbucks?”

For your teenage son — who hasn’t done his chores after repeated requests — he may suddenly need you to cook something, drive him somewhere, or help with something else. Once the connection or need is met, he might retreat again into monosyllables or grunts.

Welcome to what I call the Push-Pull Years — a time when your teen alternates between wanting little to do with you and needing you all at once.

So, why is this happening, and are you a bad parent? Definitely not. Clinical research shows the adolescent brain is essentially a house under major renovation. The prefrontal cortex — the part responsible for judgment, impulse control, and reading social cues — is temporarily closed for construction and won’t fully mature until the mid-twenties. Meanwhile, the amygdala — the brain’s emotional processing center — is working overtime. Add in all of the demands in their lives — shifting hormones, academics, after school activities, the friendship and social landscape and constant social media pressure, and it’s no wonder they’re exhausted and your exhausted.

With everything going on in their heads and lives, what feels to you like simple conversation can feel to them like a cross-examination. They’re not necessarily being defiant; they’re often just out of bandwidth.

As parents, we naturally long for the way things used to be — the days of long talks, family dinners, hugs, and hearing “I love you” on repeat. But the secret to surviving the teen years isn’t wishing for what was, it’s meeting them where they are.

For your daughter: If she wants to go to Starbucks, take her. Agree on a budget if you need to, but remember—the “Pink Drink” isn’t the point; your presence is.

For your son: If he starts talking while you’re trying to watch the news or go to bed, give him ten minutes. If he’s gaming, sit nearby for a bit without peppering him with questions.

And don’t take car time for granted. I often tell parents to stop complaining about being their teen’s chauffeur—it’s a short-term gig with an expiration date. When you’re driving and they’re sitting beside you (or behind you with friends), you’re a fly on the wall. Teens often find direct eye contact intimidating; side-by-side interactions lower their guard. You’ll learn more in one twenty-minute drive than through a week of formal check-ins.

How to Support Them (and Save Your Sanity)

• Don’t take the bait. When they’re sharp or snarky, remember — the brain is under construction. Take a breath. Don’t let their emotional dysregulation trigger yours.
• Value parallel moments. Sometimes sitting in the same room — each on your own device or reading — is a quiet win. It’s about being near each other, not always doing together.
• Be the safe harbor. Let them know you’re there when they’re ready to talk, but don’t force the door open. When they finally do talk, listen more and lecture less.
• Celebrate the bright spots. When they light up for a Starbucks, Chick-fil-A, or Chipotle run — or share a random joke — pause what you’re doing if you can. Those fleeting moments are their invitations in.

Parenting a teenager is a wild, exhausting, and beautiful ride — a season of letting go while holding on tight. You’re likely doing better than you think. And even if they’d rather die than admit it in public, you’re still the most important person in their world.

“Teenagers are like cats. They come to you when they want attention, disappear when they don’t, and secretly love you the whole time.” — Anonymous