Son has no motivation

Dr. Mike,

Our 27-year-old son is still living at home with no motivation to do anything but play videos games and to have us leave him alone.  He started at NOVA after high school and dropped out and then returned to NOVA last year and dropped out again.  He told us that he didn’t like the teachers, but we saw that he didn’t do the work or make it to most classes with both attempts.  He’s had a few jobs, but those have only been for seasonal help in the winter or for short stints, and then he quits or gets fired.  He’s now on some sort of social justice warrior campaign against Trump and capitalism, but it’s funny that he seems to have no problem driving my Mercedes or spending our money as a self-proclaimed socialist.  He also went through a phase where he was convinced that he was transgender but that passed.  We’ve tried to help him in so many ways, but he doesn’t want our help.  My husband says we should throw him out, but I’m afraid he’s too immature to manage himself, and I think he’s depressed.  He’s told us that he’s not happy but then he says he doesn’t know what would make him happy.  Thankfully he doesn’t drink or do drugs.  The last couple of times we tried to talk to him about getting a job,  going back to school or just getting on a normal sleep schedule, he just yelled at us to leave him alone and then put a few holes in his bedroom wall.  How do we help our son at this point?

Concerned Parents

Dear Concerned Parents,

Based on what you’re written, it seems your son has what is now termed, Failure to Launch Syndrome.  Failure to Launch Syndrome refers to a situation where young adults face significant challenges in achieving independence and transitioning into adulthood.

Failure to Launch Syndrome can manifest in various ways: having a lack of motivation or ambition, having social anxiety and/or social avoidance, having a reversed or off sleep schedule, having difficulty maintaining employment or staying in school, withdrawing from family, friends or social activities, having an over reliance on technology with excessive use, being impulsive, being defiant or moody, having a poor work ethic or having difficulty completing tasks, feeling stuck in life, having low self-esteem, self-worth or self-efficacy, and having substance use or behavioral addictions.

While there is no single cause to Failure to Launch Syndrome, research in this area has revealed that the following factors can lead to significant problems in developing appropriate independence, autonomy and agency in young adulthood: psychiatric or psychological disorders (e.g., depression, anxiety or substance use disorders), neurodevelopmental disorders (e.g., Autism, ADHD), overprotective or enmeshed family relationships, the rise of screen culture and the gig economy (e.g., wanting to be a social influencer, a professional gamer or doing drop shipping from home), personal traits (e.g., low motivation, a poor work ethic, a lack of ambition), past trauma where an unresolved traumatic experience disrupted normal development, parental divorce or disruptive family relationships or frequent relocations as a family

Based on what you’ve shared, what’s causing your son to struggle as much as he is in life isn’t clear to me.  Given how long this has been going on and given that your efforts with him for several years now haven’t led to improvements, I recommend that your son meet with a mental health professional ASAP.  If your son refuses to see someone, then I recommend that you and your husband start therapy as parents for support and guidance.  It doesn’t seem your son  will make much progress without therapeutic intervention.