Dr. Mike,

I know you do a lot of divorce work as a custody evaluator, and we’re struggling as a family and could use some guidance.  For quick review, we went through a very contentious and nasty separation and divorce, and we’ve been divorced now for 5 years.  I have full physical and legal custody of both of our children, and the children have a visitation schedule with their father.  My ex-husband remarried 9 months ago, and my children truly hate their stepmother, and hate is an understatement.  First, she’s 23 years younger than my ex-husband, which has been very awkward for our teenage son and daughter.  Second, she’s self-absorbed and doesn’t care about my children at all.  She also doesn’t have kids of her own and is kind of a big kid herself.  Third, when the kids are over at my ex’s house, she and my ex just do what they want to do and don’t really include my kids or ever plan anything with them.  My son and daughter have refused to go for their visits with my ex for three weeks now, and my ex is mad at me and has even threatened to take me back to court.  I truly am at a loss on what to do next. I have pleaded with my kids to go to their father’s, but I can’t force a 17-year-old and 15-year- old into my car.  What do you recommend?

Upset in Loudoun

Upset Teen
Upset Teen

Dear Upset in Loudoun,

Your situation is more common than you think where children and teens go through an adjustment phase when a parent remarries.  Moreover, the stepparent and child/teen match isn’t always great, which can add to problems and emotional upset.  For your son and daughter, based on what you’ve written, it seems they have three problems to contend with – their stepmother’s style and behavior in relation to them, their stepmother’s significant age difference with their father and the disconnect they are now experiencing with their father as a result.

While I would need more information to offer you more specific recommendations, I invite you to think about the following ideas.  You could speak to your ex-husband openly about your concerns if your co-parenting relationship with him is good enough to do that.  The two of you could try to come up with some ideas to better support visitation for your son and daughter at your ex-husband’s house.  You could also suggest to your ex-husband that the two of you sit down to talk with your son and daughter together.  Another option would be for your husband and you to see a family therapist who specializes in parenting and divorce.  That professional could also meet with your son and daughter to improve things.  If possible, the therapist could also eventually meet with your son and daughter and their stepmother to address their relationship problems.

I am sure there is so much more to your family’s history and dynamic, and there may even be additional factors contributing to your son and daughter’s recent refusal to go to their father’s house.  However, returning to court, in my opinion, should be an absolute last resort given your children’s older ages, given the financial cost and given the additional upset it could cause your son and daughter in relation to their father and stepmother.  Would your ex-husband really win if the court somehow forced his son and daughter to resume the visitation schedule that they no longer wish to follow?  Would you win if the court agreed that your son and daughter no longer need to adhere to the visitation schedule due to their struggles?  I would argue that neither of these court outcomes would help much unless the court also recommended some therapeutic interventions — family therapy and/or reunification therapy – to address the children’s emotional upset and unwillingness now to see visit their father and stepmother.

I am sorry your family is going through this, and I hope things get to a better place with better communication and the right kind of support and structure.

Upset with Dad

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice.
He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn
.