Midlife Struggles in Loudoun

Dr. Mike,

My husband and I are in our 50s, and we’ve been married for 28 years.  Grown kids all successfully launched finally, doing very well in our careers, but something is missing for me.  I’m going through menopause, I’ve gained weight, I’m drinking red wine every night, and I find myself wondering, “Is this it?”  Not sure what to do to make things better, but between the empty house and menopause and getting older with all that has to offer, I’m not in a great place.  I don’t think my husband is either since he seems to be in a rut too.  He works too much, has gained weight, rarely exercises and drinks too much too.  I know we sound like a mid-life cliché as a couple, but we’d love some guidance.

Midlife Struggles in Loudoun

Dear Midlife Struggles in Loudoun,

What you describe is something many couples face, though few talk about it openly. After twenty-eight years of marriage, it’s natural to reach a moment where things feel quieter, less certain, even a little lonely. The kids are gone, routines have thinned out, and the rhythm you built together for decades suddenly feels unfamiliar. These changes can stir up that unsettling question—“Is this it?”—but often, that question isn’t about endings. It’s about beginnings.

Midlife ushers in a tide of changes, some expected, others more surprising. Menopause can leave you feeling out of sync with your body, your moods, even your confidence. Meanwhile, your husband may be wrestling with his own version of transition—career fatigue, physical changes, shifting identity. Add the silence of an empty house, and it’s easy to feel disconnected. But this chapter invites reflection, not resignation—it’s a chance to pause and decide how you want to grow forward, both individually and together.

Start by acknowledging what’s happening instead of minimizing it. Name the losses—youth, routine, the daily chaos of parenting—but also notice what’s newly available: time, perspective, and the freedom to reimagine what life as a couple looks like. Talk with each other about how you’re experiencing this stage. Honest conversation, without blame or defensiveness, helps reduce the quiet sense of drifting apart.

Then, experiment with rediscovery. Think back to what first drew you together—shared humor, curiosity, maybe a sense of adventure—and look for ways to bring those qualities into the present. Try cooking something new, taking a weekend trip, hiking a trail, or even signing up for a class together. Innocent experiences like these can serve to reawaken parts of the relationship that get buried under years of responsibility.

It also helps to focus on your own well-being. Midlife has a way of demanding self-renewal. Movement, healthy food, and stress management aren’t just “good habits”—they create the emotional energy that keeps relationships vibrant. Support one another in this, encouraging small shifts rather than grand resolutions.

Intimacy, too, changes with time. Physical closeness might look different after menopause, but connection is still possible—through laughter, empathy, shared storytelling, or simply sitting together in quiet comfort. Couples often discover that while passion evolves, tenderness and trust deepen. Conversation, touch, and small gestures of affection keep those emotional channels open.

If the two of you find yourselves stuck in patterns that feel heavy or repetitive, guidance from a couple’s therapist can help. Therapy doesn’t mean the marriage is broken; it means you’re choosing to nurture it. Often, a few sessions can loosen old communication habits and help you see each other with fresh eyes.

Long marriages go through seasons, and not every one is full of light. But the quieter seasons often give way to deeper understanding and renewed connection. The strength you’ve built over 28 years is still there—it just needs space and intention to evolve. The very act of asking this question tells me you’re both invested in finding your way forward, and that’s where healing usually begins.

Warmly,
Dr. Mike