Dr. Mike,
My husband and I have done very well financially. Neither of us came from money or inherited anything substantial, but we’ve worked hard and have acquired quite a bit of wealth. For context, we live in a $12,000,000 house, and we have other properties, several businesses and a large amount of money saved and invested. My husband is adamant that we should not leave a dime to our kids, and he believes they should instead work for everything like we did. While I agree with him that our children need to find their own way in life, and earn as they go, I also don’t think it’s a terrible thing to help your adult kids or to leave them an inheritance if you can. Our financial advisor agrees with me, and he pointed out in our last meeting several very reasonable ways we can leave our adult children money without making their lives too easy. My husband became so upset in that meeting that he stormed out and threatened to divorce me if I didn’t side with him to leave our children absolutely nothing. I was humiliated then and am now confused about so much, including my marriage. What’s so bad about leaving our adult children our money once we’ve passed? Isn’t that what loving parents do if they’re able to? What’s crazy is that we have great kids who we haven’t spoiled and who work hard and are caring to others. They go to public school, they drive used and very average cars, they do well at school and have jobs, they attend church and volunteer, so I don’t get any of this. Our oldest son just got accepted to a top university in the country based solely off of his hard work and grades. I don’t want a divorce, but it seems this is the hill my husband wants our marriage to die on if I don’t fully comply with him. Please help.
Upset in Loudoun
Dear Upset in Loudoun,
While it’s admirable that your husband wants your children to make their own way in life, his extreme position to leave them absolutely nothing (when your family has so much) and to threaten divorce if you defy him, is concerning. Money means different things to people, and achieving wealth is determined by a myriad of factors – intelligence, overcoming a difficult upbringing or adversities, talent, ego, status, luck, opportunities, etc. It’s not clear to me what personal wealth means to your husband, but based on what you’ve shared, I assume his relationship with money is complex. I encourage you to talk to your husband with an open mind and loving heart to gain a greater understanding of why he feels the way he does. What are his absolutes about inheritance and divorce all about? Who does he plan on leaving the money to if none of your children receive anything? I imagine that there’s much more to his views, and I hope he’s able to openly discuss things with you. It’s possible that your husband is just very anxious about ruining or spoiling your children and their drive to be productive and successful in life. Or perhaps he has other and deeper emotional conflicts about the topic that have more to do with him. However, if the conversation isn’t helpful or doesn’t bring you closer together regarding the topic, I would then recommend scheduling a consultation with a couple’s therapy.
Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D. “Dr. Mike” is a clinical psychologist in private practice.
He can be reached at 703-723-2999, and is located at 44095 Pipeline Plaza, Suite 240, Ashburn.