What To Do When Your Child Is Pushed Out Of Their Friend Group

What To Do When Your Child Is Pushed Out Of Their Friend Group

Dr. Mike, –

Our 11-year-old daughter (5^th Grade) is having a terrible time at school this year because she’s being pushed out of her longtime friend group.  There wasn’t an incident as far as we know, but she doesn’t get invited to play and hang out much, she’s not invited to many birthday parties, and she’s being put down or left out on social media.  We’ve had many a tearful night, and our daughter is now wanting to transfer schools since the friend group goes to the same.  She basically goes to school unhappy and comes home from school unhappy and spends a lot of time in her room.  She barely left the house last weekend, and we’re worried that she’s depressed.  We’ve done a little parental research on her phone, and it seems that there are a couple of strong personalities in the friend group that are driving a wedge between the girls as a group and our daughter.  It’s also apparent to us that the interests of the girls are changing with some of the girls being focused on boys and make-up.  Our daughter is still a young 11-year-old and not into those topics yet.  Help!

Concerned Parent

Concerned Parent,

As parents, watching our children struggle socially can be heart breaking, especially when it seems that there’s not much we can do to help.  There are, however, several things you can do to address the problem.  I would start by reaching out to your daughter’s teacher; 5^th Grade teachers are usually pretty good at knowing what’s going on for their students socially, and they’re also usually quick to pick up on bullying, teasing or the sort of hurtful changing friendship dynamic that you’ve described.  Your daughter’s teacher will also likely have some good ideas to improve things for her.  Your daughter’s teacher or the school counselor could help to find opportunities for meaningful peer-to-peer interactions, projects and activities as a good start for your daughter and the involved girls.

You can also reach out to the parents of your daughter’s friends to let them know what is going on since they may not know how bad things are for your daughter or how she’s being pushed out by the girls.  Perhaps the moms and/or dads can plan a few fun gatherings for the girls to smooth things over.

It’s important to push your daughter to do more during this difficult time.  By sitting in her room after school and/or by not leaving the house much over the weekend, your daughter is just ruminating about what’s hurting her, which is only going to make her feel worse.  Participating in a club or group activity (at school or in the community) or joining a team sport could serve to get her out of her head and to get her socially confident again with other kids.

You write that your daughter may be depressed, so I think it’s important to check in with her.  By talking to her about her thoughts on feelings, you will be able to gauge where she is emotionally and how bad things are for her.  Having her see a child therapist – even for a wellness check for a session or two – might be a good idea.  Therapy will provide your daughter with a safe place to process her feelings while learning more adaptive strategies and coping skills.

Transferring schools is always an option, but one I wouldn’t exercise until you’ve exhausted your efforts to correct things.  It’s possible that the current social dynamic is too much for your daughter to handle at her current school, but it’s also possible that things will improve with effort and time.

Remember, as parents, we can’t rescue our children from their problems, but it’s our job to help them to find solutions when they struggle.  Again, with effort and time, I’m hopeful that your daughter will get to a better place with her longtime besties or find joy in the new friendships she will form.