What Is Collaborative Divorce And Is It Right For Me?

What Is Collaborative Divorce And Is It Right For Me?

Divorce is an inherently tumultuous life event that significantly impacts the emotional well-being of all those involved.  And, the approach to divorce can greatly influence the outcome, with collaborative divorce offering a less adversarial alternative to traditional litigation. This method, focusing on negotiation and mutual agreement outside of court, holds the potential to mitigate the emotional strain typically associated with divorce.  But what is collaborative divorce, and does it really work?

Simply put, collaborative divorce is a process where divorcing couples agree to negotiate a settlement without going to court. This method involves structured negotiations and meetings between the spouses and their lawyers and is team-centric in that it is often supplemented by other professionals like child custody specialists and financial advisors. The collaborative divorce process begins with both parties signing an agreement to avoid court, followed by the transparent exchange of all necessary documents.  Meetings are then held to facilitate dialogue and find mutually agreeable solutions, sometimes with the help of third-party specialists. The ultimate goal is to reach a settlement that respects both parties’ interests, formalized in an agreement and, if necessary, approved by the court.

Collaborative divorce offers various advantages, such as being less stressful and confrontational than traditional divorce, offering more control over the outcome, ensuring confidentiality, and focusing on cooperative problem-solving. The approach is particularly beneficial for children, often resulting in less involvement, turmoil and upset. When collaborative divorce is successful, it can also be considerably less expensive because the parties do not spend as much money on attorneys and going court.   Choosing collaborative divorce can be beneficial for couples seeking an amicable resolution; it is a method that supports the divorcing parties’ dignity, fosters mutual respect, and is less traumatic for children.

In my opinion, the main disadvantage with the method is that many (if not most) divorcing couples are not in an agreeable place to work respectfully and with trust toward an amicable resolution or divorce settlement.  Thus, the method may not be suitable for couples who have an emotionally painful history together, or for couples who are experiencing ongoing significant disagreement and emotional conflict and/or distrust.  The collaborative divorce process also has a high fail rate when serious mental health problems, substance use problems, abuse or a severe power imbalance exists within the marriage.

Unfortunately, I have seen firsthand, dozens upon dozens of couples who tried collaborative divorce but then end up having to start over with new attorneys utilizing the traditional divorce approach.  These couples can often end up in a more contentious and beaten down space after unsuccessful upsetting meetings and after spending a lot of money.  A new client of mine whose collaborative divorce recently failed shared with me, “I just spend tens of thousands of dollars to sit in a room with a bunch of experts who just watched my ex-husband and me fight it out for nothing.  That was a great use of my time and money!”  Other clients I have worked with over the years have benefited from the collaborative divorce method, but again, that is a much smaller group.

In summary, collaborative divorce represents a progressive approach to ending a marriage, emphasizing communication, respect, and mutual problem-solving. This can be significantly beneficial in so many ways, especially during the stressful transition of divorce. However, collaborative divorce is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and there needs to be sufficient trust, respect, agreement, and cool-headedness for the method to work.  While I have seen collaborative divorce work, more often, I have seen it fail.  If the couple’s history, needs and dynamic is too complex – which is often the case for those divorcing – the method could end up failing and also doing more harm than good.  Divorcing couples considering collaborative divorce should do their research and be mindfully aware of themselves as a couple; understanding the challenges and various needs and nuances is crucial for individuals to make informed decisions about their divorce.